


Hidden Within The Heart

by kilifan4life



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Bearer, Hurt Kíli, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2016-05-11
Packaged: 2018-05-03 06:40:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5280557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kilifan4life/pseuds/kilifan4life
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili's world comes crashing down when he learns that he is a bearer. They are rare among the dwarves and are treated like glass. Kili already being treated differently because of his looks and choices, doesn't want anyone to know. Keeping his secret from his closest family and friends proves difficult along Thorin's quest to claim back Erebor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Secret to Keep

“Why?!?” Kill demanded to know from his mother as tears gathered in his dark eyes. “I am already enough of a freak!” 

Turning his back to his mother and the doctor, Kili quickly pulled down his tunic and let his head fall, shoulders sagging and long rich mahogany locks sweeping down over his cheeks as the tears fell.

“Oin can you please give us a minute?” Kili’s mother offered a smile to the physician, laying a hand on his shoulder.

“Of course M’Lady. I will be right outside if you need me.” Oil smiled sadly reaching up to pat the hand on his shoulder. 

With his majority coming within a few weeks on his name day, Kili had been excited to celebrate the day. Hi uncle and brother were coming back for the feast. He hadn’t seen them since they went to forge in the village of Men nearly five years ago. Now he only felt as though he was being cheated out of the celebration and that his world is crashing down.

“Kili, my sweet. This is not the end of the world. This is something so few are able to be granted and you have ….” his mother started moving towards him as he whirled around.

“Don’t say it! Don’t you dare say this is a blessing. I didn’t ask for this and I don’t want this.” Kill growled out, interrupting his mother. His pupils blown wide in anger, pain, fear, and sorrow, causing them to look almost completely black.

Sinking down to the ground and drawing his knees up to his chest. Kill wraps his arms around them and rocks back and forth as the tears continue to leave streaks down his pale cheeks. The position is one that Dis had seen from her youngest before, always when he was trying to reign in his emotions and hide what he was really feeling. Knowing that once he collects himself, Kili will take a deep breath and just bury all his feelings.

Kneeling down beside her son, Dis gathers him in her arms. Stroking a hand over his hair, pressing a kiss to his head.

“I don’t want to be a bearer. I am a warrior and hunter. I am already a freak because I am the spare prince of an exiled people, I am too tall and thin, I chose to use a bow, I would rather hunt than forge and mine, I can’t grow a proper beard.” Kili continues to ramble into his mother’s comforting embrace.

“My darling boy, you are brave and strong. You are talented and resourceful. You supply the settlement with food and clothes with your skills. You are beautiful inside and out. If these dwarves can’t see you for who you are then they don’t deserve for you to even give them the times of day.” Dis hugs Kili tighter, having repeated this speech multiple times during his life.

Deep down Dis knows that it doesn’t matter what she says, Kili will always have it harder than her oldest. Fili, who is the perfect depiction of a dwarves prince. Built like the solid, strong warrior with the Durin blue eyes and golden blond hair of his father’s people. Where Kili’s hair isn’t the normal raven black of the Durin’s, but a rich brown with lighter pieces lightened by his love of the outdoors. He doesn’t have the typical build of a dwarrow. His eyes are all his own, with a color unique to Kili and holding all his emotions.  
“Mam,” Kili says taking a deep breath as he sits back. “I don’t want anyone to know. I can hide it. No one needs to know anything.”

Dis sighs and watches as her son closes himself up. Looking into his eyes, she sees his eyes go hard and he straightens his shoulders. Rising to stand offering her a hand. Taking his hand seeing how her baby matured right before her eyes. His lips pulling to a slight frown as he looks back at her.

“Not Thorin, not Fili. No one. You must talk to Oin and let him know that he can never speak of it to anyone. If they ask why we were here, he is to tell them I ate some berries out in the forest that made my stomach ache.” Kill finishes pulling on his coat. “Please mam. I am already treated differently. Just because I can bear a child…” 

Taking a long look at her son, smiling sadly as she watches him walk towards the door. Turning around Kili nearly whispers.

“I will never marry and have children,” Kili says before leaving.

The finality and pain that are in those simple words nearly tears out Dis’ heart.


	2. Welcome Home

Life went on for Kili. Locking up his emotions tightly behind a barrier around his heart, Kili knew that it would be the only way that he would be able to survive. He didn’t want to be different, he wanted to just be.

As his name day finally approached, Kili found it hard to get excited. Coming of age for a dwarf was something each and everyone looked forward to. But Kili’s own day had taken a whole new meaning, coming of age simply meant that his life had irrevocably changed forever.

Kili had decided to go hunting or at least lose himself in the forest until the feast later in the evening when he would have to put on a smile and pretend to be on top of the world. Making his way through the trees, across the well worn path that he and his brother often travelled, Kili didn’t even unsling his bow, but rather perched on top of a large boulder over looking the river that cut through the woods.

Tensing as he hears a sound that isn’t made by an animal, Kili tilts his head listening intently before he relaxes.

“You have never been able to sneak up on me,” Kili says simply without even turning around.

“How in Mahal’s name did you even know it was me?” Fill asked with a laugh, drawing up to sit next to his brother.

“The way you walk, your stride, I can hear it in your steps.” Kill remarks with little inflection. “How did you know where I was?”

“No, Hello Brother? or It is great to see you?” Fill asks feigning hurt as he laughs and smiles up to his little brother, wondering when he had gotten so much taller than him.

“Hello brother, it is great to see you. Five years Fili…”Kili aims for being sarcastic but hits more of a sad note when his voice goes watery and he ends up whispering. “Five years. You were gone for five years.” Choking back to emotions. Kili sighs deeply before standing up from the boulder.

Watching the brunet closely, Fili opens his mouth to respond but stops when Kili simply holds up his hand.

“Don’t. Just don’t.” Kill simply says. 

Fili doesn’t see the twinkle in the dark eyes that was always present when they were lads growing up in this same forest. He doesn’t see the mischief that was always present in his little brother. Instead he sees a young dwarrow that is simply shutting down.

Following Kili back through the trees silently, Fili knows that something has changed the once vibrant and joyful personality. The ache in his heart nearly suffocates him as they return back to Ered Luin. 

“Ahh I see you found him,” Dis smiles at he boys as they approach the door to their cottage. Thorn moving behind her.

“At the river, where else would he be?” Fill smiles at his mother giving her a hug.

Thorin walks up to Kili, who had remained silent and just watched as his brother and mother embraced. 

“Nephew.” Thorin moves to embrace Kili just as Fili had Dis, but he quickly side steps the motion.

“I need to go wash up for the feast.” With that Kili disappears inside.

Black brows pulled down in a frown as he watches Kili enter the cottage. Quietly pondering the behavior of his retreating kin.

“Things have changed recently with Kili,” Dis responds sadly, shaking her head. “He has changed. The last five years have been hard on him with both of you gone, especially the last several weeks.”

“What’s happened?” Thorn asks with more authority in his voice than he intended.

“He wouldn’t hardly talk to me when I found him, didn’t say a word the entire walk back,” Fili adds as he continues to look at the closed door his brother went through.

“Kili has asked that his business be kept his own. I will tell you that he is hurting but instead of talking about it, he simply shut down. Be prepared. The Kili that you knew isn’t the one that you see now.” Dis sighed sadly worrying her lower lip as she hugs both Thorin and Fili once more.

“Love him for who he is no matter what.” Thorn nods not asking the hundreds of questions that continue to well up in his mind.

“I will always love him, momma, no matter what. I always have and always will.” Fill responds with fortitude.

“I know you will my son.” Dis smiles sweetly at her oldest stroking his cheek motioning him inside.

“They are two halves of one whole. Fili realized it sometime ago, but Kili has closed himself off to feeling anything of the sort, especially now.” Dis says turning back to Thorin as Fili enters the cottage. Seeing the unasked questions in Thorin’s eyes.


	3. Coming of Age

That evening Kili tried to smile and have a good time, but he simply felt that he didn't belong there. Dwarves loved to drink and feast no matter what the occasion. Glancing around at all the folks gathered around, Kili wondered if they were actually aware of why they were even here.

"Good to have you back Thorin and Fili!" came a multitude of cheers throughout the hall.

"'Bout time the Durins came back. We can't have Ered Luin without its proper Princes," a stout dwarf bellowed clutching an ale and toasting Thorin and Fili. "The lad there just doesn't do Durin proud." The dwarf snickered and nudged another chuckling dwarf beside him pointing at Kili.

Kili's heart clenched hearing "proper princes". Deep down he knew that he was not a proper prince of Durin and now he never would be no matter how hard he tried. It didn't matter what blood ran through his veins, the people would never see him as anything other than a disappointment. Turning to leave the hall before he has to listen to anything more, Kili is stopped when another voice is heard. 

"You forget yourself Nelin. That lad you speak of is also a prince of Durin and you would do right to remember that," Thorin growled low to the inebriated dwarves. "You are here to celebrate his coming of age."

Kili glanced at Thorin surprised by his Uncle's words. Moving closer to Thorin to say thank you, he stops in his tracks as Dwalin stands before his shield brother.

"That lad needs to learn to defend himself from these fools. Can't have you fightin' his battles for him. Between you and his brother, that lad has been coddled and needs to stiffen up his spine a bit." The large warrior laughed, slapping a large hand on Thorin's back. 

"Dwalin, Kili....well Kili is different and will always be different." Thorin says with a sigh before looking up into the dark brown eyes of his nephew that seem to be filled with such a flood of emotions. "Kili..."

Before he can even finish the sentence, Kili simply looks down gathering himself.

“I am sorry Uncle that I don’t measure up.” Kill says with such spite that he almost spits the words.

“Kili … ,” Fili says trying to reach out to his brother who just whirls away and exits the hall.

Fili had heard everything that had been said and wanted to step in to defend Kili but Thorin had intervened, but then ended up making it all that much worse.

Seeing his brothers reaction, Fili heart pounds in his chest. Feeling pain for his brother and confusion from such a strong reaction. Fill nods to his Uncle gesturing to the door, before he slips out to find his brother.

The moon is bright a full overhead, giving plenty of light to move into the trees to find Kili. After checking the river and a couple of other places where Kili has always frequented, Fili stops for a moment, hearing a steady rhythm of thuds in near distance.

Making his way to a clearing, Fili watches as Kili draws arrow after arrow from the quicker at his back, firing rapidly hitting the target time and time again. Fill watches in amazement at the accuracy that Kili shoots, not realizing how skilled of an archer he truly was until now.

“Did you make the targets?” Fili asks as Kili draws yet another arrow from his quiver.

Kili simply shrugs and launches the arrow into the furthest target hitting it dead center.

“Do you make your own arrows too?” Fili watches Kili intently mesmerized by the way his arms flex. The fingerless bracer wrapped securely around his forearm to protect the skin as the bow string releases. “Did you make the bracer as well?”

Fili continues to ask questions but receiving only silence in return until the steady sound of the arrows has stopped. Still not looking or speaking to his brother, Kili moves to the targets and begins to gather his arrows.

Fili follows and plucks the arrows from the targets further away. “You have skill baby brother.” Fill says with awe in his voice, seeing how several of the arrows formed patterns in the targets.

Kili eyes catch the moonlight appearing black as he looks at Fili, taking his arrows from his and slipping them into the quiver.

“There is no love or support for a dwarven archer, so of course I made everything. No one seems to mind when there is meat on their table or furs for the winter, but the forgers refuse to make arrowheads, they won’t make bracers and they sure as hell won’t let me practice near the training grounds.” Kili remarks with venom as he begins to retreat through the woods.

“We should probably get back to the feast,” Fili says as he jogs up next to Kili. 

“I don’t care about any feast. It is a waste of time.,” Kili remarks as he makes his way to the door to their families home.

Placing his hand over Kili’s before he can open the door. Fill says, “It isn’t a waste of time to celebrate your coming of age.”

“Hah! What a laugh. You realize that nearly everyone there was celebrating the return of you and Thorin right?” Kill bites out bitterly. “Nelin isn’t the only one that thinks like that. He is just one that actually will say something in the open and not to my back.”

“What do you mean?” Fill asked questioningly of his brother. Trying hard to figure out why Kili has changed so much.

“Look around,” Kili says gesturing with his hands. “Listen to what they say. You will understand. If you are back to stay you might want to think about being seen with me.”

“That is just ridiculous,” Fili tries to laugh but sees the pain in Kili’s eyes. 

“You will see. To them I am just a freak. The funny thing about it is they don’t even know the half of it.” Kill opens the door and disappears into the cottage.  
Fili signs and stares up at the moon. Thinking how much his brother used to remind him of the bright shining moon with his dark eyes and hair. Their fellow dwarves would laugh and call the two brothers the sun and moon, because they were so opposite in looks. But now Kili reminds Fili of the night sky for different reasons.


	4. Conversations & Revelations

After being home a few months, Thorin announced to Fili, Dwalin and Balin that he would be traveling to meet with their kin because the time had come to take back Erebor. Fill felt a rush of excitement knowing what this meant to his uncle and their people.

“I will be gone for a time, I trust the three of you to continue to take care of things here in Ered Luin, as you did in the past.” Thorn said his hand grasping Fili’s shoulder reassuringly. “You are my heir and I know that the people will look to you now in my place.” 

“Thank you Uncle. But shouldn’t Kili be here as well?” Fill asked glancing around hoping his brother was simply running late and not left out.

“I don’t want your brother to know anything about the company I plan on assembling to go on our quest yet. As far as anyone is concerned I am meeting with our kin to set up trade for the upcoming months.” Thorn said not without a twinge of guilt in his voice when mentioning Kili not be told.

“But Uncle…” Fili started with a frown.

“No Fili. Kili is not to know.” Thorin said firmly.

“It will devastate him if you do not include Kili in this. We have been raised on your stories of Erebor. All three of you have always said that the Durins would reclaim our homeland someday. Is he not a Durin? What is it that everyone seems to have against him? You won’t find a better defending than him. His bow could make a difference between having dinner and going without. There is no better tracker and hunter. I don’t understand why you would not want him to be included.” Fill let out with great agitation looking to the three dwarves have been his greatest role models.

“Lad, have you seen Kili with his bow? No one really has, so how can you say that he will be an asset?” Dwalin asks crossing his arms over his imposing chest.

“That is because he is not allowed near the training grounds with his weapon of choice. Who brings in the meat from the hunts and the furs? There is always fresh meat when he goes on a hunt.” Fill fumes with his hands on his hips.

“Kili doesn’t go out with hunting parties anymore. He hasn’t for some time now.” Balin says to Fili.

“He has been the one stocking the cool house with the fresh meat, leaving the dried meats in the barrels. He is also the one that makes sure that the there are furs for bedding, clothing and shoes. Did it not occur to any of you that it was coming from somewhere.” Fill angrily turned his back on the three shocked dwarves.

“Fili. How do you know this?” Thorin asked stopping his nephew in his tracks.

“I have watched him, Uncle. No one knows he has been the one refilling the stores. He won’t talk to me. He doesn’t talk to anyone. He does it because they don't want him on the hunt anymore! He can bring down ten deer to their one. They are embarrassed that a young dwarf with an elf’s weapon is a better hunter, tracker and provider than all of them put together!” Fili’s blue orbs flash with such anger for the people of Ered Luin that have to heartlessly ignored their benefactor.

“The hunting parties have never said anything. They just said that Kili stopped going with them.” Dwalin scowled in frustration.

“Be it as it may Fili,” Thorin said with a sigh. “Kili is not to know about this, not yet. Your mother is extremely worried about him, as am I. I do not want to leave him behind, I know I could not leave him behind and do not intend to. But I do not know what is going on with him and it makes me concerned about how he will handle himself. Why would he stop going with the hunting parties? Why would he not talk to you of all people. You two were as thick as thieves before we left.” Thorin asked impatiently.

“We’ve been home for some months now Uncle. Have you not heard how they talk about Kili?” Fill asked with a heavy sorrow in his voice.

Thorin just looked to Balin and Dwalin shaking his head. Focusing back onto Fili waiting on an explanation.

“How he will never be a proper dwarf. The half breed that should go live with the elves where he belongs. He is to pretty to be a dwarf…” Fili mimics the comments he has heard throughout the markets.

Slightly off in the distance with several rabbits tied to the end of his bow, stood a solitary figure behind a tree listening to the tail end of the conversation. The pain that pierces Kili’s heart nearly buckles his knees as he hears the voice of his brother, cut off by Thorin.

“What is wrong with him?” Thorin sighed. Dropping his head and pinching the bridge of his nose. “Why didn’t he say anything to us?”

Kili was unable to hear Thorin’s second question with his head bowed, but he just figured it was something that he had asked about himself so many times. Why was he a freak or why had Mahal made him so different? 

With a ragged breath and the pain growing substantially in his chest as his heart shatters. Closing his eyes tightly. Fill of all dwarves believes that he is someone to be mocked. Thorin doesn’t surprise him. He never was able to live up to his uncle’s expectations. 

“It doesn’t matter. Just make sure that he stays out of trouble. But, Fili, I don’t want him to know about this quest to Erebor, I am not sure that he will be able to handle it.” Thorin frowns shaking his head as he considers his words. “He needs to be more…”

“More what Uncle? More like you, more like me? More dwarfish? That isn’t going to happen. It isn’t who he is!” Fill remarked frustrated, cutting off his uncle’s words.

The pain intensifies as Kili listens carefully to the continuing conversation from the cover of the tree. Why would they keep a quest from him? They don’t want him to be part of it that badly? The ache the words cause is like a knife slowing inching its way into his chest. Fine, he thinks to himself. They don’t want me to be part of the quest to reclaim their home, then he would find a new one. 

Letting the rabbits fall to the ground, Kili looks at the bow in his hands. Before he can even stop himself he snaps it over his knee with a force that would make Dwalin flinch. As the splinted wood falls from his fingers, Kili lets single tear fall for the loss he feels. Not for the bow, but for the only dwarf he ever truly would have made him happy again.

The snap of the bow draws the attention of the four dwarves standing a short distance away. 

“Remember, not a word to anyone. I will be leaving in the morning.” Thorin said as they made their way back to the village.

****  
“Dis have you seen Kili?” Thorin asked when they had returned back to their home.

“I just returned back from the Gemma’s, her young one was feeling poorly and I made some soup for the family as she has her hands full.” Dis said absently, glancing around the room. “He said he wouldn’t be gone long, just checking a couple snares.”

“Uncle.” Fili said slowly. Looking at the rack next to the door. “Kili’s pack is gone as his sword and bow. If he had been out checking snares he would need his pack and would have come back by at the edge of woods. Do you think he heard us?”

“Let’s go see if we can find that brother of yours.” Thorin said drawing his light outer coat back over him that he had removed when they had returned home.

“He wouldn’t have been gone this long. He said he was only going to catch some rabbits for supper.” Dis said, worry starting to cloud her face. “Thorin, you decided not to include him didn’t you? If he overheard you and knows you don’t want him … “ Dis broke off with sob, thinking of her youngest and all the trials he has faced of late.

“Dis tell me what is going on with him. Fill said that the village folk are not kind to him, they won’t let him hunt any longer with them. Kill has been sneaking out to hunt and see the village in fresh game.” Thorin said rubbing a hand over his face.

Taking a deep breath, Dis shakes her head not trusting her voice as she grabs an axe from the rack. 

“Now is not the time. I need to find my son!” She makes for the door and down the path from the way Thorin and Fili had come.

Rushing up next to his mother, Fili matches his strides to hers.

“We will find him, mum. He is probably just out in the woods somewhere. Probably down at his range. We should go there first.” Fill said cutting through to the archery range that Kili had set up.

As they come upon the clearing, where Kili’s archery range has been set. Thorin lets out a small gasp.

“Your brother did this?” Thorin asks in disbelief.

“Yes. He comes here to practice. He is incredible Uncle. He forges his own arrows because they won’t make them at the forges in the village.” Fill says with a twinge of disappointment when they don’t see Kili.

“You know nothing of your nephew, Thorin. I really don’t think anyone does. He has such a big heart and would do anything for these dwarves. Yet they have mocked him for his choices, when he has done nothing less than feed and cloth them.” Dis said with tears in her eyes, knowing the secrets and burdens that Kili carries with him.

Fili slowly makes his way through the path towards the edge of the woods while his mother and uncle talk. A sinking feeling beginning to knot in his stomach.

“When you came back I thought he would open up again and be the bright star that he had always been. But if anything he became more withdrawn.” Dis said running her fingers over the targets.

“Dis please tell me what is going on with him,” Thorin implores.

“Kili is a bearer Thorin. One of the rarest dwarves you will find. He found out just weeks before his feast. He completely closed himself off. He feels as though he is cursed to be different.” Dis sighed. Hoping her son will someday forgive her for sharing with Thorin.

After a moment, Thorin lets out a soft chuckle.

“But that is wonderful. He and Fili will be able to be together as they have been blessed to be and continue the line with an heir.” Thorin realizes and the news Dis shares sinks in.

“You don’t understand Thorin. That is not how Kili sees it. See thinks it is another way he will fail you and his brother. He doesn’t want to be treated differently. He wants to be a warrior and make you proud.” Dis explains in earnest.

“Put he is a rare jewel and should be treated as such. There is absolutely no way that he can come on the quest now …” Thorin frowns as Dis holds her hand up to silence him.

“That is what he fears. He is more at home out hunting and exploring but knows that he will be locked away and constantly under protection, he doesn’t want if you and Fili know. Fill can not know. It would destroy Kili if he is treated any more differently than he already is.” Dis pleads with Thorin. “Promise me Thorin, no one is to know.”

“MUM! UNCLE!” Fili shouts through the woods before Thorin can answer.

Hearing the panic in Fili’s voice, Dis and Thorin rush in his direction. 

“He’s gone momma. Kill is gone.” Fill cries from his knees holding the snapped bow in his hands.

“He must have heard some of the conversation, we have to find him.” Thorin reaches out running his fingers down the bow. “Oh Mahal what have we done?”


End file.
